Medic?

Dear Jacob,

I have been trying to study my medic stuff for the past hour or so today. Needless to say, its not going well. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. Its like my car is stuck in a sinking mud hole. The more I try to rev the engine and get my car out, the faster it sinks. When I first started paramedic class, I hated it. I wanted to quit. But I stuck with it, and it turned out that I actually liked it a lot. It forced me to be decisive and think quickly and stand by my decisions. Something I don't think I am usually very good at. But right now, sitting here, studying things that I have studied a thousand times before, I wonder if I am worthy of the job? I wonder what will make taking the test this time any different from the other two times? I doubt my ability, competency, and value that I need to be a medic. This fucking sucks.

I put up with a crappy program and fought through it, even when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. I drove 200+ miles a week the last semester to finish clinicals, and yet, at this point, it all means nothing. And it will continue to mean nothing if I cant pass that damn test. You told me before that I have it in me, and I thought so too, but right now it feels like all that work, all the hoops and tricks and tests and money was all for nothing. Im not looking for you to tell me that I have it in me. I just need to figure out how the hell to get over this hurdle. You'd think it'd be easy after the mountain I had to climb for school. But so far, its gotten me both times. Whats to say it wont the third?

Here are some lyrics to a Matisahu song that I have been listening to, trying to be more positive. (its not working)

Dispatch The Troops - Matisyahu
So I'm sending out an SOS
Fighting with her Ta
She wants out of this mess
And those big city lights
Might brighten up the darkness
You know that I'm tired and you know that I'm stressed
You can't stop me and you can't stop this
You could call the police try to make an arrest
Today is the day that I repossess
Leaving on the first bus that I can get

k