Out Cold

"Well lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of drinking and a lot of thinking. And I have come to some conclusions..." ok, well I havent been drinking, but I HAVE been thinking. Mostly about this medic test. It seems like even going to school now isnt worth it if I cant pass that test. I have been studying like mad recently, and yet it still feels like nothing. GRRRR! I just need to vent out some anger....Here I am, sitting at a good school with (technically) a good future. And all I can think about is this stupid test.

So I ask myself "Why does this mean so much to me?" and here is what I come up with. (I know, I have probably said this to almost everyone, though various bits and pieces of conversation) When I started going to medic school I didn't want to be a paramedic, I was still afraid of being an EMT. I was only there because I wanted to go to college and I couldn't get into any nursing programs. There were SO MANY times that I wanted to quit. I hated the pressure, all that information coming at me so fast. And then when we would run scenarios in class I had to be in charge, and I had to know what was going on, and I had to treat the problems correctly before they caused bigger problems. There were always so many other people watching. Focusing only on me and what I was doing. And not only that, but when I was done they all got to tell me how badly I did! I wanted out of there so badly. I hated people judging my actions and thoughts. Then one day I was studying at the garage and a call went out to an accident. They wound up being short on crews and Nicole walked into the classroom and said "If they need another rig, its going to be you and I" and I was thinking "NO WAY, Jose! You are nuts! I have only been on 3 calls! and I couldn't even touch the pt then because I technically wasn't old enough to be an EMT!" Nicole, Joey and I wound up taking a third truck up to the hospital and doing truck cleaning and making sure everything was in order for a transfer if they needed one. That was the first time I ever had the thought and feeling of "hey, this is actually fun, I like this, I can do this"

It was because of that incident (and Joey's constant pushing and prodding to the point of me wanting to stab him) that I wound up applying for a job with SCAS and getting hired. I absolutely love it so much now. I feel competent as an EMT and enjoy the job and the people I work with. However, I don't feel competent as a medic. I don't feel like I could get through a complicated call. But after all the crap that we had to go through with Mesabi, I want to pass this test kind of as a way of shoving it in their face. I know it makes them look good, but the whole time it felt like we were set up to fail. And so far, I have proven that pretty well. ;-) As if there wasn't the first two times, there is defiantly now SO MUCH riding on this test this time. It took me a long time to work back up to a positive state this time to want to take it again. I don't know what will happen if I don't make it this time. I just don't know.

kk