Dear Jacob,
I am here studying (yes, still for my psych and Chinese tests) and all of the sudden I just got this immense feeling of missing you. It was like deep in my stomach it was just empty. Not a hungry feeling, just empty. You have been gone for a whole month now! And what a month it has been...
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not miss you. (as horrible as it sounds) I don't think there is an hour period that goes by that I don't think about you at least once. I wonder what you're doing, what your classes are like. Something reminds me of you, a comment, a place, a smell. In a way it would almost be easier to not think about you at all, BUT what fun would that be? I'll tell ya....No fun. You are so wonderful and smart. I don't feel like I deserve you all the time, but I am glad that I met you and decided that you were friend-worthy! (no matter if nykki and darren claim victory...) Despite my best efforts, your big dazzling smile always gets me!
Happy one month anniversary of being in Japan!
always,
lala
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Realization
Dear Jacob,
Well I have been doing a lot of thinking about our conversation from the other day. The one about finding focus. (Lets be honest, I don't really have a lot to do...lol, just kidding...I am really bad with jokes, sorry for putting everyone through that pain) But I have come to the decision that since I am here and have no other concerns at the moment, I am going to focus only on me. As I say that I feel guilty and kind of mean. I dont usually try to live with the focus being on me. I dont like the spotlight or the attention, it makes me nervous...(gives me the heeebadee-jeeebadees). I have been wasting too much time worring over things that I cannot control, and it has been driving me nuts. I havent been able to sleep, I think and mull things over instead of study, its just a bad deal all around. I havent even been eating that well. (that being said, mom, I still eat, dont worry about that. I just dont DO anything, and therefore am not hungry). which is odd, because everyone knows how much I love food! *Cheesy grin* ^_^
So starting today I went to the campus fitness center and worked out, and I studied and read all the silly psych stuff, and now I am working on Chinese, which is actually fun, unlike forced reading for psych. (haha, I am definatly going to kick the Chinese tests butt!)
I Still feel guilty for some reason about this whole post. But I dont really have anything else to focus on except myself, and honestly, I think its time to actually think about myself for a while. (it sounds so selfish! I really don't like it.)
peace and love,
lala
Well I have been doing a lot of thinking about our conversation from the other day. The one about finding focus. (Lets be honest, I don't really have a lot to do...lol, just kidding...I am really bad with jokes, sorry for putting everyone through that pain) But I have come to the decision that since I am here and have no other concerns at the moment, I am going to focus only on me. As I say that I feel guilty and kind of mean. I dont usually try to live with the focus being on me. I dont like the spotlight or the attention, it makes me nervous...(gives me the heeebadee-jeeebadees). I have been wasting too much time worring over things that I cannot control, and it has been driving me nuts. I havent been able to sleep, I think and mull things over instead of study, its just a bad deal all around. I havent even been eating that well. (that being said, mom, I still eat, dont worry about that. I just dont DO anything, and therefore am not hungry). which is odd, because everyone knows how much I love food! *Cheesy grin* ^_^
So starting today I went to the campus fitness center and worked out, and I studied and read all the silly psych stuff, and now I am working on Chinese, which is actually fun, unlike forced reading for psych. (haha, I am definatly going to kick the Chinese tests butt!)
I Still feel guilty for some reason about this whole post. But I dont really have anything else to focus on except myself, and honestly, I think its time to actually think about myself for a while. (it sounds so selfish! I really don't like it.)
peace and love,
lala
Sunday, September 28, 2008
I get by...
With a little help from my firends!
Dear Jacob,
I want to thank you (and Darren, even Nykki helped a little, so her too) for being there yesterday. Even just listening to me rant about my bad day just made it better. And this song by The Beatles says it all:
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends
Dear Jacob,
I want to thank you (and Darren, even Nykki helped a little, so her too) for being there yesterday. Even just listening to me rant about my bad day just made it better. And this song by The Beatles says it all:
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends
I cant believe you almost had me convinced that Darren was over there with you. Your mom thought it was really funny too, when I told her. But like I said before (and I probably will many times again) Thanks for just being there! You are fabulous!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Medic?
Dear Jacob,
I have been trying to study my medic stuff for the past hour or so today. Needless to say, its not going well. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. Its like my car is stuck in a sinking mud hole. The more I try to rev the engine and get my car out, the faster it sinks. When I first started paramedic class, I hated it. I wanted to quit. But I stuck with it, and it turned out that I actually liked it a lot. It forced me to be decisive and think quickly and stand by my decisions. Something I don't think I am usually very good at. But right now, sitting here, studying things that I have studied a thousand times before, I wonder if I am worthy of the job? I wonder what will make taking the test this time any different from the other two times? I doubt my ability, competency, and value that I need to be a medic. This fucking sucks.
I put up with a crappy program and fought through it, even when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. I drove 200+ miles a week the last semester to finish clinicals, and yet, at this point, it all means nothing. And it will continue to mean nothing if I cant pass that damn test. You told me before that I have it in me, and I thought so too, but right now it feels like all that work, all the hoops and tricks and tests and money was all for nothing. Im not looking for you to tell me that I have it in me. I just need to figure out how the hell to get over this hurdle. You'd think it'd be easy after the mountain I had to climb for school. But so far, its gotten me both times. Whats to say it wont the third?
Here are some lyrics to a Matisahu song that I have been listening to, trying to be more positive. (its not working)
Dispatch The Troops - Matisyahu
So I'm sending out an SOS
Fighting with her Ta
She wants out of this mess
And those big city lights
Might brighten up the darkness
You know that I'm tired and you know that I'm stressed
You can't stop me and you can't stop this
You could call the police try to make an arrest
Today is the day that I repossess
Leaving on the first bus that I can get
k
I have been trying to study my medic stuff for the past hour or so today. Needless to say, its not going well. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. Its like my car is stuck in a sinking mud hole. The more I try to rev the engine and get my car out, the faster it sinks. When I first started paramedic class, I hated it. I wanted to quit. But I stuck with it, and it turned out that I actually liked it a lot. It forced me to be decisive and think quickly and stand by my decisions. Something I don't think I am usually very good at. But right now, sitting here, studying things that I have studied a thousand times before, I wonder if I am worthy of the job? I wonder what will make taking the test this time any different from the other two times? I doubt my ability, competency, and value that I need to be a medic. This fucking sucks.
I put up with a crappy program and fought through it, even when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. I drove 200+ miles a week the last semester to finish clinicals, and yet, at this point, it all means nothing. And it will continue to mean nothing if I cant pass that damn test. You told me before that I have it in me, and I thought so too, but right now it feels like all that work, all the hoops and tricks and tests and money was all for nothing. Im not looking for you to tell me that I have it in me. I just need to figure out how the hell to get over this hurdle. You'd think it'd be easy after the mountain I had to climb for school. But so far, its gotten me both times. Whats to say it wont the third?
Here are some lyrics to a Matisahu song that I have been listening to, trying to be more positive. (its not working)
Dispatch The Troops - Matisyahu
So I'm sending out an SOS
Fighting with her Ta
She wants out of this mess
And those big city lights
Might brighten up the darkness
You know that I'm tired and you know that I'm stressed
You can't stop me and you can't stop this
You could call the police try to make an arrest
Today is the day that I repossess
Leaving on the first bus that I can get
k
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Something I've been working on
I was playing with stop-motion photography, and this is what I came up with.
This is my second video, it is better than the first, but you can see the first one at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIpxFk3_klg if you are interested.
Enjoy!
lala
This is my second video, it is better than the first, but you can see the first one at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIpxFk3_klg if you are interested.
Enjoy!
lala
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tattoo
Here is a picture of the tattoo I want to get! I asked Dad if he would come with me for my 21st birthday and we could both get tattoos. He didn't say no, so I am planning! (unfortunately he didn't readily say yes either) No worries, I will convince him soon enough!
Obviously its not going to be on my wrist, I just haven't decided on the placement yet. But I do have some ideas! (They are all appropriate too, nothing dirty)
God Bless,
kk
Obviously its not going to be on my wrist, I just haven't decided on the placement yet. But I do have some ideas! (They are all appropriate too, nothing dirty) God Bless,
kk
Looking around
Dear Jacob.
Over the last week, I did some exploring and picture taking, and just generally enjoying Bemidji (or, as I like to call it, midji) I rode my bike down to the park by Paul Bunyon and Babe, and went down to the lake on a nice little fishing peir that looks under some bridges that cross the Mississippi River.
This is the main bridge going over the river.
And the support beams for the bridge.
And under the bridge. There was a cute little school of minnows swimming in the sunlight.
The night that I was walking down by the lake (an earlier post) was so beautiful, these are some pictures of the lake and the leaves turning colors.
I am sure I will be finding many more wonderful photo opportunities now that the leaves are starting to change! (plus fall is my favorite season, so I am more inclined to take pictures of it anyway ;)
I enjoyed our Chinese study time, and I hope that we can get together at a more reasonable time for me (1 am usually is a good time, but not this week, lol) So I can actually consiously study with you, we are helping each other out!
Have a good week Pookey-poo,
hugs & kisses,
lala
Over the last week, I did some exploring and picture taking, and just generally enjoying Bemidji (or, as I like to call it, midji) I rode my bike down to the park by Paul Bunyon and Babe, and went down to the lake on a nice little fishing peir that looks under some bridges that cross the Mississippi River.
This is the main bridge going over the river.
And the support beams for the bridge.
And under the bridge. There was a cute little school of minnows swimming in the sunlight.
The night that I was walking down by the lake (an earlier post) was so beautiful, these are some pictures of the lake and the leaves turning colors.
I am sure I will be finding many more wonderful photo opportunities now that the leaves are starting to change! (plus fall is my favorite season, so I am more inclined to take pictures of it anyway ;)
I enjoyed our Chinese study time, and I hope that we can get together at a more reasonable time for me (1 am usually is a good time, but not this week, lol) So I can actually consiously study with you, we are helping each other out!
Have a good week Pookey-poo,
hugs & kisses,
lala
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