"Well lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of drinking and a lot of thinking. And I have come to some conclusions..." ok, well I havent been drinking, but I HAVE been thinking. Mostly about this medic test. It seems like even going to school now isnt worth it if I cant pass that test. I have been studying like mad recently, and yet it still feels like nothing. GRRRR! I just need to vent out some anger....Here I am, sitting at a good school with (technically) a good future. And all I can think about is this stupid test.
So I ask myself "Why does this mean so much to me?" and here is what I come up with. (I know, I have probably said this to almost everyone, though various bits and pieces of conversation) When I started going to medic school I didn't want to be a paramedic, I was still afraid of being an EMT. I was only there because I wanted to go to college and I couldn't get into any nursing programs. There were SO MANY times that I wanted to quit. I hated the pressure, all that information coming at me so fast. And then when we would run scenarios in class I had to be in charge, and I had to know what was going on, and I had to treat the problems correctly before they caused bigger problems. There were always so many other people watching. Focusing only on me and what I was doing. And not only that, but when I was done they all got to tell me how badly I did! I wanted out of there so badly. I hated people judging my actions and thoughts. Then one day I was studying at the garage and a call went out to an accident. They wound up being short on crews and Nicole walked into the classroom and said "If they need another rig, its going to be you and I" and I was thinking "NO WAY, Jose! You are nuts! I have only been on 3 calls! and I couldn't even touch the pt then because I technically wasn't old enough to be an EMT!" Nicole, Joey and I wound up taking a third truck up to the hospital and doing truck cleaning and making sure everything was in order for a transfer if they needed one. That was the first time I ever had the thought and feeling of "hey, this is actually fun, I like this, I can do this"
It was because of that incident (and Joey's constant pushing and prodding to the point of me wanting to stab him) that I wound up applying for a job with SCAS and getting hired. I absolutely love it so much now. I feel competent as an EMT and enjoy the job and the people I work with. However, I don't feel competent as a medic. I don't feel like I could get through a complicated call. But after all the crap that we had to go through with Mesabi, I want to pass this test kind of as a way of shoving it in their face. I know it makes them look good, but the whole time it felt like we were set up to fail. And so far, I have proven that pretty well. ;-) As if there wasn't the first two times, there is defiantly now SO MUCH riding on this test this time. It took me a long time to work back up to a positive state this time to want to take it again. I don't know what will happen if I don't make it this time. I just don't know.
kk
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Halloween and other fun fun!
Dear Jacob,
This last week went by so fast, and so much going on! Alyssa and I went shopping today and when we were at the mall she found this outfit and thought I should wear something similar like it for Halloween....I kindly told her no, as my leg MIGHT fit into it.
We continued shopping, it was a good time! Then we watched Young Guns and Poisidon in her room and feasted on left-over cheesecake *Delicious*
I am still contemplating on going to Itasca tomorrow...I want to really badly! But it is super windy, and no one else can come with :( They wont fit in my car. So we will see what happens in the morning I guess!
Technically I start orientation to my job on Thursday, so that's exciting! I just hope that we can get everything figured out with the whole "flexibility" issue. I dont think there will be a problem at all, but sometimes I wonder. ^_^ I hope you are well and I look forward to pictures of your bike and other fun things!
hugs & kisses
lala
This last week went by so fast, and so much going on! Alyssa and I went shopping today and when we were at the mall she found this outfit and thought I should wear something similar like it for Halloween....I kindly told her no, as my leg MIGHT fit into it.
We continued shopping, it was a good time! Then we watched Young Guns and Poisidon in her room and feasted on left-over cheesecake *Delicious*
I am still contemplating on going to Itasca tomorrow...I want to really badly! But it is super windy, and no one else can come with :( They wont fit in my car. So we will see what happens in the morning I guess!
Technically I start orientation to my job on Thursday, so that's exciting! I just hope that we can get everything figured out with the whole "flexibility" issue. I dont think there will be a problem at all, but sometimes I wonder. ^_^ I hope you are well and I look forward to pictures of your bike and other fun things!
hugs & kisses
lala
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
More pictures of fall
Dear Jacob,
Well I spent yet another evening down by the lake. It is just so beautiful and so easy to just get lost in the outdoors. I decided what I am doing for your Christmas present! You are going to love it SO much! I wish Christmas was tomorrow because I am so excited! Other than that, I had a good day, and I hope you are feeling better! (Your mom informed me that she thinks you ate some bad cabbage. Its totally possible, but it just sounds funny...)
Oh yeah, I was looking at all this glorious camera equipment today. I can wait until I can afford it! (which seems like it might be pretty soon if I get this job) Yay! So I was applying some of what I read to my point and shoot (not quite as amazing as the digital SLR's I was drooling over) but its all I have, so it will have to do for now!
Sunset from my dorm room
The path through the park
The path to the lake
Our ducks are still hanging around! They swam by me again today.
The lake...mysterious looking...
Oh, and I just know how much you love mushrooms...so here is your fungus fix, haha.
Enjoy your week!
lala
Well I spent yet another evening down by the lake. It is just so beautiful and so easy to just get lost in the outdoors. I decided what I am doing for your Christmas present! You are going to love it SO much! I wish Christmas was tomorrow because I am so excited! Other than that, I had a good day, and I hope you are feeling better! (Your mom informed me that she thinks you ate some bad cabbage. Its totally possible, but it just sounds funny...)
Oh yeah, I was looking at all this glorious camera equipment today. I can wait until I can afford it! (which seems like it might be pretty soon if I get this job) Yay! So I was applying some of what I read to my point and shoot (not quite as amazing as the digital SLR's I was drooling over) but its all I have, so it will have to do for now!
Sunset from my dorm room
The path through the park
The path to the lake
Our ducks are still hanging around! They swam by me again today.
The lake...mysterious looking...
Oh, and I just know how much you love mushrooms...so here is your fungus fix, haha.
Enjoy your week!
lala
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Two of my Favorite ladies!
The last weekend that I was home, I happened to be blessed with not only the presence of my family, but also Jess and Jason and their daughter, Lilly. We had a little photo shoot at the house, then we went to visit Grandma Roberts and did another! (slightly against Grandmas wishes)
I think this one is my favorite! Its just so sweet and I love the expression on Grandmas face, and also how you can tell Lilly is smiling back at her. Its almost like Grandma is telling her a secret.
I think this one is my favorite! Its just so sweet and I love the expression on Grandmas face, and also how you can tell Lilly is smiling back at her. Its almost like Grandma is telling her a secret.
Fall in -Midji
Dear Jacob,
It seems fall has come upon Bemidji, everything is so beautiful up here! The leaves are have been changing color, the crisp sent of autumn is in the air! So I have been wandering down to the lake and taking some pictures...kind of experimenting with my camera to see what works best.
This was taken from our log around 8 in the evening. Im not sure why the picture looks foggy, there was no fog that night. could be my hated use of flash with outdoor photography.
These pictures were taken just last night as I went out on a walk. It was pretty chilly, but absolutely beautiful! The black thing in the middle of the picture is a loon enjoying the lake.
This tree is right outside my building. It is changing color, but only half of it at a time, its really neat and very pretty.
Just some random Oak leaves lying in a pile. Im excited to get to walk through crunchy leaves!
It seems fall has come upon Bemidji, everything is so beautiful up here! The leaves are have been changing color, the crisp sent of autumn is in the air! So I have been wandering down to the lake and taking some pictures...kind of experimenting with my camera to see what works best.
This was taken from our log around 8 in the evening. Im not sure why the picture looks foggy, there was no fog that night. could be my hated use of flash with outdoor photography.
These pictures were taken just last night as I went out on a walk. It was pretty chilly, but absolutely beautiful! The black thing in the middle of the picture is a loon enjoying the lake.
This tree is right outside my building. It is changing color, but only half of it at a time, its really neat and very pretty.
Just some random Oak leaves lying in a pile. Im excited to get to walk through crunchy leaves!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Missing You
Dear Jacob,
I am here studying (yes, still for my psych and Chinese tests) and all of the sudden I just got this immense feeling of missing you. It was like deep in my stomach it was just empty. Not a hungry feeling, just empty. You have been gone for a whole month now! And what a month it has been...
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not miss you. (as horrible as it sounds) I don't think there is an hour period that goes by that I don't think about you at least once. I wonder what you're doing, what your classes are like. Something reminds me of you, a comment, a place, a smell. In a way it would almost be easier to not think about you at all, BUT what fun would that be? I'll tell ya....No fun. You are so wonderful and smart. I don't feel like I deserve you all the time, but I am glad that I met you and decided that you were friend-worthy! (no matter if nykki and darren claim victory...) Despite my best efforts, your big dazzling smile always gets me!
Happy one month anniversary of being in Japan!
always,
lala
I am here studying (yes, still for my psych and Chinese tests) and all of the sudden I just got this immense feeling of missing you. It was like deep in my stomach it was just empty. Not a hungry feeling, just empty. You have been gone for a whole month now! And what a month it has been...
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not miss you. (as horrible as it sounds) I don't think there is an hour period that goes by that I don't think about you at least once. I wonder what you're doing, what your classes are like. Something reminds me of you, a comment, a place, a smell. In a way it would almost be easier to not think about you at all, BUT what fun would that be? I'll tell ya....No fun. You are so wonderful and smart. I don't feel like I deserve you all the time, but I am glad that I met you and decided that you were friend-worthy! (no matter if nykki and darren claim victory...) Despite my best efforts, your big dazzling smile always gets me!
Happy one month anniversary of being in Japan!
always,
lala
Realization
Dear Jacob,
Well I have been doing a lot of thinking about our conversation from the other day. The one about finding focus. (Lets be honest, I don't really have a lot to do...lol, just kidding...I am really bad with jokes, sorry for putting everyone through that pain) But I have come to the decision that since I am here and have no other concerns at the moment, I am going to focus only on me. As I say that I feel guilty and kind of mean. I dont usually try to live with the focus being on me. I dont like the spotlight or the attention, it makes me nervous...(gives me the heeebadee-jeeebadees). I have been wasting too much time worring over things that I cannot control, and it has been driving me nuts. I havent been able to sleep, I think and mull things over instead of study, its just a bad deal all around. I havent even been eating that well. (that being said, mom, I still eat, dont worry about that. I just dont DO anything, and therefore am not hungry). which is odd, because everyone knows how much I love food! *Cheesy grin* ^_^
So starting today I went to the campus fitness center and worked out, and I studied and read all the silly psych stuff, and now I am working on Chinese, which is actually fun, unlike forced reading for psych. (haha, I am definatly going to kick the Chinese tests butt!)
I Still feel guilty for some reason about this whole post. But I dont really have anything else to focus on except myself, and honestly, I think its time to actually think about myself for a while. (it sounds so selfish! I really don't like it.)
peace and love,
lala
Well I have been doing a lot of thinking about our conversation from the other day. The one about finding focus. (Lets be honest, I don't really have a lot to do...lol, just kidding...I am really bad with jokes, sorry for putting everyone through that pain) But I have come to the decision that since I am here and have no other concerns at the moment, I am going to focus only on me. As I say that I feel guilty and kind of mean. I dont usually try to live with the focus being on me. I dont like the spotlight or the attention, it makes me nervous...(gives me the heeebadee-jeeebadees). I have been wasting too much time worring over things that I cannot control, and it has been driving me nuts. I havent been able to sleep, I think and mull things over instead of study, its just a bad deal all around. I havent even been eating that well. (that being said, mom, I still eat, dont worry about that. I just dont DO anything, and therefore am not hungry). which is odd, because everyone knows how much I love food! *Cheesy grin* ^_^
So starting today I went to the campus fitness center and worked out, and I studied and read all the silly psych stuff, and now I am working on Chinese, which is actually fun, unlike forced reading for psych. (haha, I am definatly going to kick the Chinese tests butt!)
I Still feel guilty for some reason about this whole post. But I dont really have anything else to focus on except myself, and honestly, I think its time to actually think about myself for a while. (it sounds so selfish! I really don't like it.)
peace and love,
lala
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